1. Backwards Baseball Caps
Boys, we know this look brings back memories of the early days — going to baseball games with your deadbeat fathers as a wide-eyed children. But here’s the deal: if you aren’t at a baseball game, ditch the hat. You look like a date rapist. If you are a date rapist, don’t ditch the hat. This will help us identify you better.
2. Not Showering
We get it. Soap is slippery. But no woman wants to smell your B.O. or come anywhere near your oily hair. If you want to avoid the need to shower, follow this tip.
Pizza for dinner? DON’T blot the pizza grease in your hair! It may seem like a good idea (and great for the environment), but the risks outweigh the benefits.
We’ve said it time and time again. Fedoras aren’t cool. Next.
4. Brown Flip Flops
Brown flip flops are the sweatpants of footwear. If you’ve been trying to fool people into perceiving you as stylish, the jig will be up the moment you slip on your favorite pair of brown dad-wear shoes. Besides, you probably got them at Target. Or Ron Jon’s Surf Shop when you forgot your shoes at the beach that one time.
5. Basketball Shorts
If you’re wearing basketball shorts to the grocery store or the post office, there’s a 99% chance that you don’t play basketball. Huge basketball shorts are basically long skirts for men. Admittedly, they’re probably breezy, but you’d look way less ridiculous if you were wearing a REAL skirt. These things are just flat-out ugly. Why wear a tent? Basketball shorts make your thighs look like a campground for vermin. Or a circus. Depending on how often you don’t shower, it could be a flea circus.
6. Pink Polo Shirts
Nothing says “I’m not in touch with my feminine side” like a pink polo shirt. Pink polos are a misplaced attempt at wooing the ladies — yes, we know what you’re trying to do, and no, it is not working. Any fool can slip on a Lacoste shirt and pop the collar. Without facetiousness, I can ascertain that your mom was probably thrilled when you asked her to buy one of these bad boys for you in high school. In high school, pink polos were the peak of male maturity, but now it’s time to move on.
7. Old Navy Jeans
I can’t believe Old Navy is still in business. Listen, guys: Old Navy jeans are HIDEOUS. Like, really hideous. Women who shop at Old Navy look like seventh grade language arts teachers — men who shop at Old Navy look like seventh graders.
8. Socks and Sandals
There are few things in this world as unappetizing as a sock-and-sandal foot sandwich. This is one of those things that popular athletes got away with in high school, either because they had practice before school or after. Because of their social status, no one ever called them on it, but SOMEBODY should have. Thank God I’m calling you out right now.
9. Axe Body Spray
Excluding medical complications, he number one leading cause of death for women is male violence. The second leading cause of death is your body spray, probably.
Like I said earlier, showers are difficult and soap is slippery, so we do appreciate you trying. But please, try harder. A can of noxious sea lion pheromones will never replace a good old-fashioned shower.
10. Madras Shorts
Madras shorts went out of style in 2008. Unless you’re going golfing at the club with your estranged father and new stepmom, these should never see the light of day. With the exception of maybe yachting with your grandparents, there is no excuse for these patchy crotch-quilts to go on a walk with you anywhere.